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Heidi
Williams
My journey into the ministry
of Reflections began almost
10 years ago, but at the
time I had no idea what
was happening. I did not
realize God would first
take me into the depths
of my shattered heart,
to the end of my self-sufficiency,
face to face with a long
forgotten, carefully hidden,
cautiously protected,
deeply guarded secret.
Not spoken of for years
and years at a time, not
allowed into my memory,
almost not remembered…………except
once in awhile………
I had to remember.
Random
times, when the air became
breathless in the July
summer heat, a twilight
sunset in hues of fire,
an old song played on
the radio, or the scent
of sage, a certain shade
of blue, a name and a
memory long forgotten.
Tears, sudden as a thunderstorm
in the desert, violent
to the depths of my soul.
Shame. And for just a
moment, my secret would
materialize before my
eyes. Mostly, it would
vanish again quickly as
it appeared. Until one
July.
This
time, life no longer made
any sense and to be a
Christian with the secret
sin of all sins became
unbearable. I could not
breath. Maybe ever again.
My world was unraveling
the way a sweater does
when you pull just the
right piece of yarn. Never-ending.
Depression had been close
for years, although my
life looked perfect on
the outside. Now, I was
dangerously close to exposing
my imperfections to the
world. Sadness, shame,
fear, rage, anger, bitterness,
came pouring out uncontrollably
and affecting all those
in my path. The result
was desperation so intense
that I blurted my secret
out to a friend just to
drive her away. I couldn’t
believe it when the words
tumbled out of my mouth:
2 abortions, within 5
months of each other,
at that time, 19 years
earlier. That was it.
I couldn’t take
it back.
What happened next could
only be the hand of an
incredible Savior who
died for everyone. Even
me. I didn’t understand
at that time His death
was good enough for even
my sin. I understood that
as Christians, we all
say we believe that sin
is the same. But, I was
lying. I didn’t
know how to believe it
for real. Yes, Jesus was
my Lord and Savior. Yes,
I did all the right church
things, went to bible
study, taught Sunday school.
My heart longed to be
forgiven, but I just didn’t
know how to get the forgiveness
I understood in my head
to be truth in my heart.
Through an unusual turn
of events, I ended up
in a bible study at the
downtown pregnancy center
for women with the secret
sin of abortion because
my friend chose to step
out of her comfortable
life and help me have
the courage to do this
study. Without someone
to make the arrangements,
the calls, get the information
for me, I never would
have done it.
From September to November,
I journeyed to the dark
depths of shame, sorrow
and sin. It was personal,
it was deep, it was complex,
it was frightening, it
was hard. But, something
kept calling me back each
week. One night, I realized
I was laughing, midst
all the tears. Could it
be that as I looked into
the reality and darkness
of my sin, I found a God
who was bigger than all
of it? Who met me in the
depths, gazing at me with
the most incredible eyes
of love? A God who would
carry me through the dark
valleys, then dance with
me as I finally stopped
mourning? The sunrise
began to be the promise
of a new day, a full moon
became magical, the wind
whispered of Gods voice.
Breathless once again,
but now different. I began
to remember joy. The quiet
kind I had as a child
when I lay in the shady
grass on a hot summer
day to watch butterflies
land in the clover. Endless
moments making dandelion
chains. Sage scented air
and indigo blue. Sunsets
of fire giving way to
velvet black sky scattered
with diamonds. And always
the wind, the breath of
God.
My life has forever been
transformed because the
truth of Gods Word really
is a two-edged sword,
a refiners fire, a comfort
and a hope, an unspeakable
joy. I will never be the
same because now when
His still small voice
whispers to my soul, my
spirit dances with delight
to do His will. And, in
my heart I understand
to the depths the joy:
“That if the Son
sets you free, you shall
be free indeed.”
John 8:36
Reflections was born out
of a passion to share
the grace and freedom
of Christ to those within
the Christian community
who have made the abortion
choice sometime in their
past. It is a relevant
issue in our churches
today, affecting 1 in
3 women in this country.
Christians or non-Christians,
the statistic is the same.
The body of Christ should
be a place of healing,
a place of restoration,
a place of grace. Based
completely on the Word
of God, Reflections uses
the Forgiven & Set
Free bible study, along
with beautiful music and
poetry to access those
long forgotten places
of the heart. This completely
confidential study transforms
lives and is a journey
of first, hope, then freedom
and ultimately joy.
Heidi |
